Boy am I a mess

I messed up yesterday.

Big time...I literally exploded.

I think I've been holding in resentment and anger subconsiously for a long time.

I burst.

I acted in an unloving, unlikeable way, I was cruel and pushed and pushed and pushed.

And I liked it....I enjoyed the rush I got off of it.

And then I thought about what I did.

I didn't like myself so much anymore.

In fact, I was ashamed of myself.

I acted in a manner so unlike anything I thought I was.

I broke.

I'm crying out to God and asking for help.

I'm going to seek some tools and skills to help me deal with this.

But I am broken.

I am sad.

I am feeling small and unloveable.

I'm asking for prayer.

I need to seek GOD in this, He is the only help for me in this situation.

Help Me GOD! HELP ME! Help my unbelief!

Living, Loving, Growing

When you live with someone you can begin to take them for granted. You can begin to misunderstand them. You can start to be resentful and hateful in your thinking when you feel your being wronged. You can just resign yourself that things are not going to change and that you can't fix the other person.

And then God steps in.

I've been praying for my husband diligently for a few years. He is a great guy but he tends to be stubborn and obstinate in his thinking. He also always feels he is right. Many times he is right but it's frustrating when he isn't and he thinks he is to be the loving wife I need to be. So I have been praying. I have been praying for him, I have been praying for me, I have been praying for us.

And God is working.

It's little steps right now, a chink in the wall here, a revealing of a fear or hurt there, but its true communication, open and honest. It's more than just the everyday mundane parts of life. It's about opening up and being Close. That oneness that comes in marriage where you feel comfortable sharing even the ugly hurts and raw emotions. We haven't been there in a LONG time. It's rebuilding the closeness that makes two seperate people one. It's been broken and walled off and the walls are starting to fall down, there may be big things happening, and I can't take credit for it...it's gotta be God.

Thank you God for helping us in our living, loving and growing.

A Challenge

I was challenged again in church this morning. We had a Baby dedication and many families dedicated their little ones.

It made me think. Am I instilling the things of the Lord in my kids? Am I training them in the admonition and ways of the Lord? Am I being the spiritual leader that they need in their lives? Am I being active and serving the Lord and am I letting them see me serve?