Running not Racing

I like to win.

I like being right.

I'll freely admit that I am a highly competetive person. I like to be first, I like to be right, I like to be the best. I HATE being wrong. I Hate it with my whole soul. It wounds me deeply and makes me feel like a big fat failure. I like getting recognized for the work I do and I like Praise.

I'm dealing with a situation where I work. I have a challenging student this year. He is a sweet little boy but he has issues....Big issues, and try as I might I feel like I am losing the battle with this student. Every technique, every strategy, every idea that I have works for like a day and then blows up in my face.

I ask for help or the ability to speak to someone who might be able to help with the situation and I am met with walls, and excuses. I never receive a thank you or a pat on the back for good days, and I am met with resistance on bad ones.

I've been studying the book of Hebrews. And the part where the author talks about running the race, with such a cloud of witnesses around us cheering us on. It's such an encouragement to know that there are other believers, others around me who are dealing with similar situations, who have dealt with the same challenges and have come out on the winning side. I don't have to win this one, I don't have to be right, I don't have to Fix this problem...I can't do that. I have to run and be the best teacher that I can be for this little boy. I need to dedicate my time not to focusing on the negative but the positives. To embrace the situation head on. To focus on loving this little boy the way Christ loves me with all my faults and problems. I have to run the race set before me....not to win the prize but to please God. I need to give my issues to HIM...I need to be open before HIM and let HIM work through me. It's not racing for a Prize or a Victory but running through my Christian life and working on being more of who my Savior wants me to be, a reflection of the one who died and gave his life for me, not because He wanted a prize but because it was the act of a Loving God.

Living, Loving, Growing

When you live with someone you can begin to take them for granted. You can begin to misunderstand them. You can start to be resentful and hateful in your thinking when you feel your being wronged. You can just resign yourself that things are not going to change and that you can't fix the other person.

And then God steps in.

I've been praying for my husband diligently for a few years. He is a great guy but he tends to be stubborn and obstinate in his thinking. He also always feels he is right. Many times he is right but it's frustrating when he isn't and he thinks he is to be the loving wife I need to be. So I have been praying. I have been praying for him, I have been praying for me, I have been praying for us.

And God is working.

It's little steps right now, a chink in the wall here, a revealing of a fear or hurt there, but its true communication, open and honest. It's more than just the everyday mundane parts of life. It's about opening up and being Close. That oneness that comes in marriage where you feel comfortable sharing even the ugly hurts and raw emotions. We haven't been there in a LONG time. It's rebuilding the closeness that makes two seperate people one. It's been broken and walled off and the walls are starting to fall down, there may be big things happening, and I can't take credit for it...it's gotta be God.

Thank you God for helping us in our living, loving and growing.

I Guess I Overreacted.

So my co-workers got me this on Monday for my birthday! This is what they actually were doing instead of going for a hamburger. That was the cover story...since they didn't think I'd care. OOOPS....thanks girls! Sorry that I got so mad...I'm blaming PMS....Love you all!

Petty Thinking over a Hamburger

Last night was rough.

I was in a mood. An irritated mood. An oh my goodness I'm so mad I could spit nails kind of mood.

It all started with a hamburger. yes, a hamburger. My co-workers decided that on their joint planning period that they would go and get a hamburger because they were hungry. That's fine, they are entitled to do that and I would not have been upset or frustrated if they had asked me if I wanted one. But they didn't ask. They just disappeared on their break and left the building without telling us why. They are grown women and they can do that but when I am craving something and making a run outside of the building I usually ask if anyone wants something, and they didn't do that. Now here's the kicker, they got caught in traffic! So their jaunt for a hamburger turns into a stressful situation for me...my class is supposed to go to P.E. and their class still is in P.E. because they aren't back yet, and no one know where they went...and they are caught in traffic. OH JOY...chaos and delay are no apparent, and I really need my planning period because my stressful student has just created a stressful situation and I need a break...RIGHT NOW...so I can calm myself down...and now I can't leave my kids with the specials teacher...and IT MADE ME SO MAD! I was furious at the whole situation.

Now what I wanted to do was throw a pity party...and to be honest I sorta did, but I also worked out, made food for the kids and relaxed. And by 10 this morning I was no longer angry!

So that is my confession of how a hamburger made me upset...I think it was a little bit hamburger and alot PMS...see I would have said no to a hamburger because I wasn't really hungry and I am trying not to spend a lot of money this week so I can buy my birthday present this weekend...more on that later. I was more bothered by the lack of asking than I was on them getting a hamburger...I really can be petty some times.

Forgetting February and Marching into March

So I feel off the bandwagon totally in February.

I totally stunk at all my goals...

I totally gave up and didn't care.

Today is March 1...

Time to get back on the wagon, take it on the chin and buck my self up.

I'm getting back to my goals.

I will do better.