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Read my Family blog for a funny story and yet something profound all at the same time. The entry is entitled Socks...what else might we hold on to that isn't profiting anything or fixing anything?

Boy am I a mess

I messed up yesterday.

Big time...I literally exploded.

I think I've been holding in resentment and anger subconsiously for a long time.

I burst.

I acted in an unloving, unlikeable way, I was cruel and pushed and pushed and pushed.

And I liked it....I enjoyed the rush I got off of it.

And then I thought about what I did.

I didn't like myself so much anymore.

In fact, I was ashamed of myself.

I acted in a manner so unlike anything I thought I was.

I broke.

I'm crying out to God and asking for help.

I'm going to seek some tools and skills to help me deal with this.

But I am broken.

I am sad.

I am feeling small and unloveable.

I'm asking for prayer.

I need to seek GOD in this, He is the only help for me in this situation.

Help Me GOD! HELP ME! Help my unbelief!

The Man, The Sickness and Being Angry

So the man is Sick...I mean needing an antibotic sick and I am mad at him.

That sounds petty and terrible but it's the truth. I am upset with him for being sick. He didn't plan on getting sick, he's not faking...we went to the doctor to get him more powerful medicines and such, but I'm still very upset with him.

I think it's because there is never an opportunity for me to be sick. When I am sick I still have to take care of the kids, the house, life and all. When he's sick he lays in bed all day and complains about feeling terrible. So maybe I am more jealous than angry...or maybe I just need to get over it all.

I don't know...but I'm tired and have a headache right now, so I'm really feeling it.

The Cross and the Resurrection

Happy Easter!

My heart and soul are filled with joy as I contemplate on the wonders of my salvation. I Love Easter...single handedly it is the holiday that I feel the most deeply in my soul. You see my friends, it's more than eggs and candy, its more than fun and family it's LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But to truly grasp that life there was Death. Painful, humiliating, wrenching death of a criminal. Yet the person dying was not a criminal, no he was perfect. PERFECT! Not self righteous, not full of pride, a perfect man, SINLESS, never committing the pettiness that plague you and I, never being unjust in anger, a Perfect, Sinless Man. Yet he died. Not because he deserved to die, not because he had done anything wrong, but for ME...and YOU. He DIED to pay the penalty for all the wrongs we do...the wrongs of bad attitudes, bad habits, driving to fast, telling lies, thinking the wrong things, for those selfish motives and all the petty things we hold on too. The Bible tells us that ALL have sinned. There is nothing good in us, NOTHING...we are wretched, sinful creatures. And we would be left wallowing in our filth and despair if it weren't for JESUS... JESUS died for my sins and for you. He suffered and was humiliated so that we can be reconciled to God, so that we can be his Children! So to grasp the Life of Easter you must accept the Death of a Savior...the Perfect Sacrifice.

Then there is LIFE..the stamp of Approval of a Holy God to say YES! The price is paid and you can be forgiven. There is HOPE in knowing that the one who gave themselves as a sacrifice paid for my redemption with his blood and is ALIVE, sitting at the Right hand of the Father, interceding for you and me. There is a Savior, he accomplished what he said, he is the fulfillment of all the Prophesy's and HE will Reign forever on HIGH! His Sacrifice was enough, nothing more is needed except to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved!

So Friend, are you full of joy today because of what Jesus has done for you? Have you accepted His Sacrifice for the wrong doings you do and to you trust him for your Salvation. There is no other way, it is the Death and Resurrection of Jesus that changed the course of History and is the MOST SIGNIFICANT event Ever! It's so important! I have accepted this gift and I am filled with Joy knowing that My Savior lives and is working to Change me into who he wants me to be!

HAPPY EASTER!!!! WE HAVE HOPE BECAUSE OF THE RESURRECTION!!!!!!!!!!!

So Nice

The kids had Spring Break this week.

I had Spring Break 2 weeks ago and thouroughly enjoyed my time off work and some quality me time. Since the kids are on a different school schedule from me, Dan and I both decided to use some personal and vacation time from work in order to enjoy being together as a family. I have a great boss who is completely supportive of my family and she was great in giving me both Tuesday and Thursday off of work this week. Friday is Good Friday and I already had the day off so it all fit together nicely.

It's been so nice to have my husband home in the evenings. Dan works second shift at his job and so we don't see him at night except on the weekends. He's been getting up earlier and making sure that he is spending quality time with the family. Monday we went out for dinner and then went and flew kites in the field behind our church. Tuesday, we went and saw a movie with Janea, she had won a prize of a movie date for reading in school, we saw "Percy Jackson and the Olympians, the Lightning Thief" . It was okay. I liked the books so much better. Wednesday he took the kids to the store to buy a few things and they bought me some pretty spring tulips...and today I think we may go bowling. It's been a blessing to be together as a family.

Dan and I are also feeling closer than we have in a long time. God is really opening our eyes to areas where we both struggle and fail in supporting one another and we are trying to work on these areas and be much more considerate of one another. It's definitely a process and one that can be challenging at times but it's so worth it and I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and mature with the man I love.

Running not Racing

I like to win.

I like being right.

I'll freely admit that I am a highly competetive person. I like to be first, I like to be right, I like to be the best. I HATE being wrong. I Hate it with my whole soul. It wounds me deeply and makes me feel like a big fat failure. I like getting recognized for the work I do and I like Praise.

I'm dealing with a situation where I work. I have a challenging student this year. He is a sweet little boy but he has issues....Big issues, and try as I might I feel like I am losing the battle with this student. Every technique, every strategy, every idea that I have works for like a day and then blows up in my face.

I ask for help or the ability to speak to someone who might be able to help with the situation and I am met with walls, and excuses. I never receive a thank you or a pat on the back for good days, and I am met with resistance on bad ones.

I've been studying the book of Hebrews. And the part where the author talks about running the race, with such a cloud of witnesses around us cheering us on. It's such an encouragement to know that there are other believers, others around me who are dealing with similar situations, who have dealt with the same challenges and have come out on the winning side. I don't have to win this one, I don't have to be right, I don't have to Fix this problem...I can't do that. I have to run and be the best teacher that I can be for this little boy. I need to dedicate my time not to focusing on the negative but the positives. To embrace the situation head on. To focus on loving this little boy the way Christ loves me with all my faults and problems. I have to run the race set before me....not to win the prize but to please God. I need to give my issues to HIM...I need to be open before HIM and let HIM work through me. It's not racing for a Prize or a Victory but running through my Christian life and working on being more of who my Savior wants me to be, a reflection of the one who died and gave his life for me, not because He wanted a prize but because it was the act of a Loving God.

Living, Loving, Growing

When you live with someone you can begin to take them for granted. You can begin to misunderstand them. You can start to be resentful and hateful in your thinking when you feel your being wronged. You can just resign yourself that things are not going to change and that you can't fix the other person.

And then God steps in.

I've been praying for my husband diligently for a few years. He is a great guy but he tends to be stubborn and obstinate in his thinking. He also always feels he is right. Many times he is right but it's frustrating when he isn't and he thinks he is to be the loving wife I need to be. So I have been praying. I have been praying for him, I have been praying for me, I have been praying for us.

And God is working.

It's little steps right now, a chink in the wall here, a revealing of a fear or hurt there, but its true communication, open and honest. It's more than just the everyday mundane parts of life. It's about opening up and being Close. That oneness that comes in marriage where you feel comfortable sharing even the ugly hurts and raw emotions. We haven't been there in a LONG time. It's rebuilding the closeness that makes two seperate people one. It's been broken and walled off and the walls are starting to fall down, there may be big things happening, and I can't take credit for it...it's gotta be God.

Thank you God for helping us in our living, loving and growing.